Expletus Nox
by Reign
Summary: Mistakes of the past become nightmares of the present. Snape views an old memory in the Pensieve, one that he'd rather forget. Snape&Lily.


**Disclaimer: **J.K. Rowling owns everything.

**Author's Note:** This one shot takes place during_ Order of the Phoenix_, in the chapter "Snape's Worst Memory." That's the chapter where Harry accidentally views one of Snape's memories in the Pensieve during an occlumency lesson. It's the one where James humiliates Snape in front of many students and Lily stands up for Snape. I guess this is a "what if" fic. The relationship between Snape and Lily is very similar to that of Mark and Juliet's from the movie _Love Actually,_ I hope that sheds some light. All reviews are appreciated.

**Dedication: **To my … Konstantine.

**Expletus Nox**

_"Amusing man, your father, wasn't he?" said Snape, shaking Harry so hard that his glasses slipped down his nose._

_"I _—_ didn't _—_"_

_Snape threw Harry from him with all his might. Harry fell hard onto the dungeon floor._

_"You will not repeat what you saw to anybody!" Snape bellowed._

_"No," said Harry, getting to his feet as far from Snape as he could. "No, of course I w—"_

_"Get out, get out, I don't want to see you in this office ever again!"_

The door shut loudly with a radiating bang, and the hollow sound chased a fleeting and very disturbed Harry through the halls. Back in the classroom, Snape was beyond himself. He took the liberty to hex more of whatever was unfortunate enough to be within the spell's reach. Minutes passed slowly, and after retiring dismantling his classroom via an angry rage, he pulled up one of the students' chairs and lowered himself to sit.

The empty classroom looked considerably more spacious when it was vacant of students and less friendly in the poor lighting. One thing in particular stood out to Snape— and that was Dumbledore's Pensieve, on the shelf, illuminating the corner of the room nicely with its contents. Prior to every occlumency lesson with, Snape stored certain memories in the artifact that he did not want Harry to see if he broke through Snape's defenses accidentally. And at the end of every lesson, those memories were replaced in Snape's mind. One of the memories included a humiliating altercation with Sirius and James that Harry had happened to just stumble on. The others were similar to that memory — save for one. One memory that Snape kept most private was also stored in the Pensieve at the moment. Had Harry seen that one instead, the outcome would have been infinitely more disastrous.

Snape raised his wand. "Colloportus." And with an odd squelching sound, the door was promptly sealed. "Accio Pensieve," he said heatedly. The stone basin slipped off the shelf and levitated smoothly over to where the potions master sat. Snape snatched it out of the air and lowered it on the desk, careful not to spill any of the contents. Mechanically, he dipped his wind in the whitish light and pulled a light silver thread out. The tip of his wand was pressed against his temple and a memory was replaced in his mind. He did this repeatedly until he came across the very last memory. Looking ruefully into the Pensieve, Severus Snape, one of the most feared professors at Hogwarts, frowned sadly.

"Expletus nox …" he murmured into the silence. Perfect night.

Against his better judgement, Snape jabbed the contents of the Pensieve with the end of his wand and watched nervously as the whitish silver contents began to swirl furiously. It was going to show him a scene which he both dreaded and cherished at the same time. This event took place later the same day as the event Harry had just saw. It wasn't long after he touched the contents that he was pulled forward into the Pensieve. His classroom slowly disappeared from view and was instead replaced with the inside of the Great Hall.

The Great Hall looked almost identical back then as it did now. It was evening—dinnertime—and the entire place was bustling with conversation. Snape found himself standing between the Ravenclaw and Slytherin tables, observing the Hall without much problem. There was Lucius Malfoy and his posse, snickering and discussing something undoubtedly offensive (probably the big quidditch match Gryffindor lost a few days back), seeing as a group of said Gryffindors, two tables over, were glaring furiously at them. Down the Gryffindor table were a few familiar faces; including Arthur Weasley, who was showing off and chattering away to a bored Molly about a brand new toaster he had acquired ("It makes an excellent hand warmer, Mol. I just haven't quite figured how to prevent my hand from burning and my sleeves from catching fire …"), past the Longbottoms (giggling together madly over something), Remus Lupin (who had his nose, unsurprisingly, buried in a book), Wormtail (looking lost as usual), past Sirius Black and James Potter (who were plotting a way to get back into Lily's good graces), and over to … the aforementioned red-haired girl. He paused briefly to stare at her, very aware that he could have stayed planted there the entire night without complaint. She was sitting in between her friends, not bothering to touch any of the food on the table. A few minutes passed before Lily got to her feet and excused herself from the table, discreetly exiting the Hall to catch some fresh air. Snape tore his gaze away from her and directed his attention to the younger version of himself, who was now following Lily out. So as the younger Snape followed Lily, the present day Snape followed him.

Once outside the Great Hall, he picked a good spot to stand and watch silently as the conversation unfolded. Here it came. This was the best— and perhaps— the worst part.

He braced himself.

_ "Not hungry, I'm assuming?" his voice pierces the silence and instantly catches the attention of the beautiful, retreating, Gryffindor girl. He appears tall and lanky in his Hogwarts robes, with black hair that fell messily in front of his eyes. He is not interested in her response, but rather, simply seeks to make his presence known._

_ "Oh, Severus, hello," she quips, slightly surprised, but not at all irritated. "The O.W.L.s seem to have made me lose my appetite," she replies with a chuckle._

_ "Yes, well," he continues, seemingly dismissing her words. He has the look of someone who is yearning to say something important, but the words were very difficult to come by. "I … wanted to … thank … you," he says finally, awkwardly, and slowly. "For … for what you did for me today," he now says with more confidence. "You know, at the lawn, with … Potter and Black," there was a hint of bitterness in his tone as he says those names, and he suppresses a scowl. "And," there is another brief pause as he breaks his gaze from her to idly peer down at the floor, "I wanted to … apologize for calling you a … you-know-what." This is obviously the most uncomfortable moment in conversation thus far. "I was rather heated at the moment, I hope you understand," he adds quickly._

_ There is a brief pause before she approaches him slowly. The light given off by the moon illuminates her figure beautifully. He is completely awe struck._

_ "Apology accepted, Severus," she replies lightly. "And, I hope you accept my apology for calling you … that … name." There is a slight nod._

_ "Don't worry about it," he dismisses quickly, with a hint of a smile on his face. There is another pause. "Well … that's … all I wanted to say, I guess. See you around then," regretfully, he turns to leave— but she stops him._

_ "Severus," she calls._

_ He turns around to face her, and despite trying to avoid it, they make eye contact._

_ "Yes?" he replies calmly, glancing at her as his fingers pick absently at the collar of his robes._

_ "You know, you … you don't have to be so angry all the time," she states nervously. "I mean, I understand that James and Sirius can often be annoying gits," there is a weak grin on her face, "but … not everyone's your enemy," she assures him._

_ She then reaches out to gently stroke his face, brushing away a loose strand of his hair so their eyes can clearly meet. His deep hazel eyes connect with her brilliant greens, and he is simply captivated. She finally says to him:_

_ "… You don't have to be alone."_

_ Uninstinctively, his muscles tense and his breath catches in his throat. His face betrays no emotion as she speaks these words and touches him. He is stoic in appearance only. But inside— emotional chaos reigns. He struggles to find his voice, but when he does, he realizes that he does not know what to say._

_ '_I-love-you-so-much-it-tears-me-up-inside_' he says inside his mind … but no sound escapes his lips. His is too scared, he is too weak, and it damns him in this precious moment._

Tragically, this opportunity— an opportunity which will never present itself again— has forever passed.

Snape's heart was pounding so loudly in his chest, it rivaled the loud banging on his classroom's door. He felt himself being pulled away, rising into the air as the scene slowly dissolved and his classroom reappeared. He landed awkwardly, and his back rang with pain as it connected roughly with the chair. There was a moment of hesitation as he struggled to regain his normal composure, fighting away the heartache that ate at him at this very second.

"Oh Professor Snape!" a shrilly voice called out from right outside the door, interrupting his train of thought. Or emotion. Whichever.

He quickly dipped his wand into the Pensieve to retrieve the memory in the form of a silver strand. He replaced the memory in his mind just in time. The loud pounding on the door did not subside until, "Alohamora!" the voice yelled. The previously sealed door swung open and, to Snape's disgust, Professor Umbridge presented her large self. Not far behind trailed a seemingly anxious Argus Filch.

"Dreadfully sorry to interrupt whatever you were doing," she stated curtly, though there wasn't the faintest hint of remorse in her tone. "But you're needed in the medical ward fist thing tomorrow morning. Madam Pomfrey requires a few more potions for that Montague boy," she shoved a list of potions forward.

Snape took the piece of paper and glanced at it. This would take a lot of brewing, he concluded, brewing that would most likely take all night. Currently, he obviously wasn't in the mood, nor in the right frame of mind to do it. The list was pocketed with a frown.

"We'll catch the troublemakers," Filch piped up from behind her. He was completely overshadowed by Umbridge's large figure, "and then it's off to the dungeons with 'em," he said cheerfully. There was a pause. "Well, not this dungeon of course."

Snape didn't bother to look at Filch, but instead gazed at the current Headmistress._ Evil woman, this one is. She's aligned with the same people who killed … you. I won't stop until they're all gone, Lily, I promise._ Absently, Snape rubbed the spot where his faded Death Eater tattoo was.

"Professor Snape?" Umbridge interrupted.

Snape blinked a few times, then nodded slowly, suppressing a deadly glare. "Yes yes, of course. Tell her they'll be prepared," he replied coolly.

"Very good then," Umbridge said. Satisfied, she retreated to the door with Filch grumbling in tow. "Have a pleasant night, Professor," she said sweetly, flashing him an unattractive smile before loudly shutting the door behind her. As the sound of their departing footsteps subsided, Snape found himself sitting in a comfortable silence again.

At the moment, he was locked in an epic battle against depression and regret, which, right now, were proving to be very formidable opponents. Resigned to apathy, he dropped the list on the table and headed out.

The world will still be broken tomorrow, he thought bitterly to himself.

_And so will my heart._

**FIN.**

**A/N:** Review, will ya?


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